Why Does Your Child Suddenly Not Want to Go to School? What to Do If Your Child Doesn’t Want to Attend School at All? We Hope the Advice of a Practicing Child Psychologist Will Help Moms Better Understand the Reasons Behind Their Child’s Behavior and Develop an Action Plan.
Many parents are familiar with the situation where their child refuses to go to school and asks to stay home. Here are some recommendations that can help you understand the reasons for this behavior.
Several years ago, a young woman came to me with her daughter, who was throwing real tantrums about going to school. The mother couldn’t understand why her child was behaving this way—after all, the daughter seemed to love her teacher, school friends, and enjoyed learning in first grade. After much debate, the family decided that since they couldn’t solve the problem on their own and the child still didn’t want to go to school, it was necessary to seek advice from a qualified psychologist.
After a long conversation and thorough questioning, I discovered that the girl had recently caught a cold and missed school. During her illness, the mother paid more attention to her than usual and allowed her to watch TV as much as she wanted. When it was time to return to school, the daughter started throwing tantrums—she realized that it would be much more fun to stay at home! Thus, my main task in the first stage was to find out the real reasons why the child didn’t want to go to school.
Attempts to avoid school in any way—pretending to be sick, crying and clinging to you, refusing to take off pajamas—are very typical for younger children. Often, it’s just a small step back in the natural drive for independence in children, but sometimes such behavior causes serious concern for parents. Regardless of the possible reasons, there are many ways to deal with the problem and achieve the desired goal—to get your child back to enjoying school.
Try to Understand What Your Child Is Afraid Of
From an adult’s perspective, attending kindergarten or elementary school seems easy and fun. However, in reality, school is hard work for children! Following rules and learning new skills require a lot of energy and effort from them. And then, finally, the long-awaited winter holidays arrive, when the child can play for a long time, eat their favorite food, and cuddle with their parents all morning. But even when they stay home due to illness, children will always find something more exciting to do than schoolwork. Now it’s clear why your child prefers to stay home rather than go to school, where they’ll have to work hard.
Another important factor to consider is that starting at the age of 5, children’s anxiety levels increase sharply as they begin to realize that adults aren’t all-powerful. No matter how stable a child’s life may seem, they can develop fears about death, injury, or the departure of parents from the family—especially if they’ve seen something frightening in the news. At school, a child may worry that something bad will happen to their parents or to themselves, and in that moment, they won’t be together to protect each other from danger. Generally, at this age, children enjoy their newfound sense of independence, but they also fear it.
Minimize Home Entertainment
As we’ve already discovered, sometimes children don’t want to go to school simply because it’s better at home. In other words, they want to stay home because school is boring! So when your child complains of a headache in the morning, check to see if it’s real. If there’s no fever, vomiting, or other serious symptoms, try to send your child to school anyway. You can say, “Let’s just try. I can always come pick you up.” If you manage to get your child out the door, consider half the battle won. On days when a sick child does stay home, you should, of course, take care of them, but ban watching TV and eating sweets. Once children understand that they won’t be able to spend their sick days having fun, they might be more eager to return to school.
Understand the Situation
Your child might be worried about something specific—from riding the school bus to dealing with bullies in class—but sometimes they’re unable to clearly explain or even fully understand the problem they want to avoid. If they say they don’t want to go to school because their stomach hurts, try to help them connect the dots, explaining, for example, “You know, sometimes my stomach hurts when I’m worried about being late. But if I find a way to solve the problem, my stomach usually stops hurting. What’s bothering you?” This way, you can better understand what’s troubling your child: perhaps they’re anxious about how they’re being treated in class, or maybe they’re scared that something bad will happen (similar to something they saw on TV). If they can’t tell you what’s wrong, try talking to their teacher.
Once the reason becomes clear, discuss the problem and possible solutions with the teacher (or the school counselor), especially if your child is being bullied or intimidated in class. Sometimes just a little more attention from the teacher (like reading or talking with the student if they arrive at school early) can work wonders. Keeping a good-luck charm or a family photo in their school pencil case or locker can also help.
Address More Serious Problems
If you notice that your child consistently behaves unusually—getting ready for school makes them so upset that they can’t stop crying, or they show other signs of anxiety (like nightmares or fear of being alone)—then you should ask your pediatrician for a referral to a psychologist who specializes in childhood anxiety. A friend of mine realized something was wrong with her daughter when she was in first grade. The girl had previously been anxious, afraid of saying or doing something wrong, but had managed with the help of her kindergarten teacher. However, when she started first grade, her anxiety became so severe that she would deliberately spill hot tea on herself at breakfast, hoping that wet and dirty clothes would give her an excuse not to go to school. Now, after a year of therapy, the girl has made noticeable progress and is doing much better in school.
Remember, each new level is an important step in a child’s life, and often even a step back can be accompanied by a leap in development. Encourage your child by saying, “It may be a little scary, but you can handle it!” Knowing that they can overcome challenges is probably one of the most important lessons a child can learn, both in and out of school.